Why you shouldn’t want to be anyone’s ‘other half’

For whatever reason, it seems that everyone is always searching for that relationship — the one we see in movies, on TV shows, and read about in books where two inseparable souls come together in some magnificent way and ‘complete each other’.

The fundamental problem with this relationship fantasy is that people are searching for someone to complete them, instead of complement them. It seems that with modern day relationships, people look for someone to make them happy when they can’t be happy on their own, to support them when they can’t support themselves, to provide a social life when they don’t have their own, the list goes on.

In other words, it is a sad reality that more often than not people don’t know how to be on their own so they look for someone who they believe will make them happy when they are lost, maybe even someone for convenience to spend time with when they are lonely or even to make their rent cheaper…someone who they will eventually absorb into, whose friends will become their only friends, whose hobbies will become their hobbies, whose goals they will follow without any of their own. I see this far too often with the girlfriends in my life who disappear into their significant others.

This ideology leads to too often failed relationships that people are desperate to hang onto because they do not feel whole without the other person.

Personally, I believe in order to have a successful movie-like relationship and love story, you must first be whole on your own. I always thought it was the biggest cliche that you ‘must love yourself before you can love someone else’, but the older I get, the more I see this to be true.

When I was 20, I was in a wonderful, healthy relationship with a guy that was perfect in every way. He loved me, and I loved him. I loved his family, he loved mine. He was passionate, dedicated, caring, thoughtful — the movie-like-boyfriend list of attributes goes on. But he was older and he knew who he was and who he wanted to be, what he wanted to do in life and how he was going to do it.

I was undoubtedly head over heels for him, but after 2 years I noticed that I had completely lost myself in him. I had no hobbies or friends or interests of my own. My plan was to follow his life goals, move to the city he wanted to work in, do the things he wanted to do. One day I realized I had no idea who I was without him, something most people don’t realize until its over and they are left feeling dazed and lost.

I ended up breaking up with him and I often get the question ‘Do you regret it?’ to this day and my answer is always “No”. I don’t regret it, because what came after is a wonderful relationship with myself that I would have missed out on. I developed an understanding and love for myself that will allow me to better love someone else in the future as well as allow them to better love me .

I was well aware that at 20 years old, I had no idea who I was yet. After we broke up, I moved out on my own, I made wonderful life-long friends; I learned to be on my own, I learned the things that I wanted in life and the things I didn’t. And when I look back on the alternative path of having stayed with him, as perfect as he seemed, I would have never gotten the chance to get to know myself, to make myself better for the future me and my future relationships.

I whole-hardheartedly believe that we must feel whole on our own before we can successfully be with someone else. Healthy relationships should consist of two wholes that complement each other; two wholes that are great on their own and even better together. Not two halves that morph into one.

The best relationships are ones where you can keep your individuality — keep your hobbies, your goals, your friends and your partner can do the same. Good relationships do not smother autonomy; good relationships create amazing shared experiences while supporting individual goals.

I am thankful that I took that time to get to know myself, because where I am in life right now would not have been possible if I hadn’t.

So search for your complementary whole, not your ‘other half’ — even if it doesn’t sound as poetic.